2016: To Find Balance

my_life___my_mistake_by_blackjack0919-d60qywp

Image: DeviantArt

How you doin’ my blog? It’s me, again >.< I know it has been ages – and I really wanted to say a lot of things, which I didn’t, because… I’ve been lost. You probably remembered how enthusiastic I was in the beginning months of last year: listing all resolutions but ended up prove nothing.

On top of the fizzles was *deep breath* about writing in this blog. I promised to take care of this place with some well-planned contents, even with weekly or monthly themes. But all I did was close to nothing. Of course I had some productive months with the “BOOK PROJECT” but now I don’t even know why I had thought about that.

Have you ever shocked by your own behaviour? For me, duh! Many times! Last year I had a lot of goals but somehow I failed miserably. I throw away many opportunities. The point is, I didn’t fail because I didn’t even try.

I planned that the 25-year-old me would stop messing around and finally achieve something. I have all the sources to reach my dreams, but every time I found a bump in the road, I stopped and thought it was unfair. And a year has passed like a flash. Maybe I was too attached to my comfort zone and thought that being mediocre wasn’t so bad. But right now I even start asking the reason behind my existence. As if I lose the willingness to be something great, a force to be reckoned with.

Regardless whatever happened, I definitely learned a truth about myself: I can barely prioritize goals. I have weak focus power. I am gullible, like most Libran (okay please don’t slap me for making my zodiac the scapegoat, I’m just trying to break the ice hehe).

I hope with this first writing in 2016, I can make amend to you, to the people who care about me and rely their best hopes in me. By the way, I’d like to highlight my point about the focus. Being an adult, you have to deal with difficult options. Should I pursue my passion that requires a lot of hardwork, tears and sweat, or should I stay in the secured line, financially stable career? I couldn’t decide and now I am broke, in debt and lose my vision, everything looks blurry. And another point to note: whatever your choice, you have to be ready with the consequences and always do the best for whatever it is!

Whatever the choice, I realized that you gotta have a meaning in life. For me, I am still unsure about that, but I’m working on it. I am reading about two sides of human nature, Adam I and Adam II, which were taken from Joseph Soloveitchik’s 1965 essay. I think the ditchotomy is simply describing my dilemma: Adam I is the ambitious, career-oriented man, and Adam II is the “deep” one, whose inner peace, unconditional love, and wisdom.

I don’t consider myself as a religious person. But I really want to be better at self-control and making peace with myself. I want to really feel good about myself. To feel enough. I thought working hard and being able to support my family’s financial were the answers. But I haven’t feel happy, as if there’s a hole in my heart that I can’t fill up. At this point, I think I really need to get rid of my habit of always comparing myself to others and craving for attention and acknowledgement. Because it will never be enough.

Back to the Soloveitchik’s essay, I found an interesting further research about picking the best side for us. A New York Times columnist, David Brooks, explains that we focus on accumulating power, material wealth, and professional achievements instead of cultivating the kinds of qualities that will be discussed at our funerals. As Brooks phrases it, we emphasize “resume virtues” over “eulogy virtues.”

I like how he distinguishes those virtues in his TED Talk, in which he suggests the values that make for a great eulogy – love, connection and community.

“Adam I, the resume Adam, wants to conquer the world. Adam II wants to obey a calling and serve the world. Adam I asks how things work, Adam II asks why things exist and what ultimately we’re here for,” he says.

Of course I tend to think like Adam I right now, because I haven’t got a steady career which make me and my parents proud (I am lucky they don’t really care about what I am doing, as long as I can provide financial supports, especially for my little sister’s college tuition). However, having a balanced life is urgently important right now, because I often get lost when I turn on “the career mode” in me. I guess the bad habits always come when I try to work my butt off, that’s why I need to remind myself that I am content enough and I am not afraid of failures anymore.

Oh, and about wondering the reason of my existence, I found an interesting article in Quora that effectively estranges me from wasting my time thinking about that silly stuff. It’s about someone thinking about suicide after he found no meaning in his life. My favorite part is:

“It is only when you are not attached to anything that you are free to do whatever you want. This stream of endless possibilities makes a very compelling “point” to me. And at every options reevaluation, suicide comes out as as just a big waste of potential.”

I strongly recommend you to read that meditative answer on Quora. And last but not least, I need to express my thoughts more often. And I believe to write more will make my life balanced, and it is definitely the top priority this year. Hopefully I could help someone whose problems are similar to mine. I know it won’t be easy, but if you can find the “why”, the “how” will be figured eventually.

“Even though many times it didn’t sound fun, but when you try to see things as interesting instead of good or bad it gets easier.” Rafael Lima

 

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