REPUGNANCE

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“Have you ever wondered, why do some terms related to attracting to other people, seem to cause pain in the end? You know, like — fall in love, or crush?”

“Yeah, but they’re like metaphore. When you’re falling in love, it doesn’t literally mean you’re falling. It’s in your mind — that the person you’re falling in love with has turned your world upside down.”

“Haha, nice. Then what about crush? Why does it seem more painful than fall in love, while it’s only about instant feeling, or kind of ‘one night stand’?”

Well, for me… what we had back then didn’t feel like one night stand.

“Interesting… because it took me quite long to find the answer,” I tried to relax, didn’t want to show my unstable emotion. “I guess it’s because… It occurs quickly? Like two cars crushing in one intersection, or a fallen airplane… it kills you instantly and you’ll feel nothing afterwards. While falling in love, for me, happens slowly as the time goes by. However, because it is called crush, if you’re not careful enough, you’ll be left devastated and suffer recurring pain.”

The way you look at me now, Drew, is definitely a proof that you left nothing behind but… wreckage. I’ll always have this wound, I’ll always see the two of us. But you don’t.

I’ll always remember the warm beds, the champagne kisses, and how you smell nice and sweat a lot. But now I am to you is none other than an ailing clown: you’re no longer lost in lust, you’re filled with laughter and repugnance.

I’m fully aware that you are only a person that happens to cross path in my career journey. And I must do someting, everything possible to innoculate me from heartache. But Drew, how can I befriend you professionally, while I can’t help myself loving you ferociously?

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